A Stranger in this Town

Addictions(Lack of Love)

2004-04-15T06:19:31Z

You want to bleed,
bleed on me and taste the skin
you wanna succeed?
Get far away from me
I am a christ in my own right
I'll be your savior for today

I'm such an addiction
I'm just an addiction
I'm such an addiction

You wanna make this
make me believe
You wanna take this
just for relief
You wanna fake this
Just so you can breathe
I can't be anymore to you
than what you can see

I'm such an addiction
I'm just an addiction
I'm such an addiction

Yeah
Yeah
Yeah

So you wanna take it all away
You wanna make it all right
So you wanna be with me
So you wanna make me bleed
You wanna see why I lie
Just take my hand
And give me time

I'm such an addiction
I'm just an addiction
I'm such an addiction
Addicted(x5)

Angel Boy with the Devil's Eyes

2004-04-12T05:42:59Z

I try so hard, I try so hard for nothing at all. I tried to salvage that night. In the dark room, quiet and alone. Quiet, silence with screaming anger. A kick, a fierce glare, accusations and confessions. Sweet song of innocent sorrow. Protective but for what, if oyu wanted more. Protective but for what if you go back for more. That's the way it works though, selfless for no reason at all. Nobody gives you credit, and nobody takes heed to your word. Nobody does a thing you expect from them. Go, go have fun with your days.

Angel wings, give me far better things, than a carriers night, but those eyes of hate, only lead me to walk through the unbound gate. That in which leads into the devil's soul, and soon you can walk with me. Walk with me and fall as well. My anger burns when I try to be a savior, but so many push away my word. Is that what it takes to be a martyr? Ignored? Fine, walk your own path, have your own fun, but don't come looking for forgiveness, or for saving next time.

Looking over my post, it seems that this is rather an angry post? But really it isn't. It is actually giving my condolences to those who need it, to an extent. Trust in me, and fall as well. I'm here when you need me. I'll be there when you leave me. Use me, beat me, that's the way it should be.

So with these words written, and these words it shall remain, understand the word of Christ, and understand it to remain sane. But protect you once, shame on you, protect you twice, shame on you, protect you thrice, shame on me.

I'm out.
On a cross.

-=Christ=-

That's right, cancel the holiday, they found the body... I'm looking at it in the mirror.

serenedementia @ 2004-04-08T00:47:00

2004-04-08T05:47:08Z

I guess, in the end I know what I've done wrong. Slowly try to correct it. Save everyone else before I save myself. Becuase you see, I know how worhtless I am. I hate myself and want to die... I know it... But in the process I can try and make a few people happy... no? My apologies have been met, and the past is just that, the past. Moral failings can always be changed, and the future can be a repent of sins. Be a martyr, and die for your sins, like I will, or be happy and go with what's given to you.

Heated testosterone and angel wing kisses

2004-04-08T05:22:15Z

Men piss me off. its so bad, some guy on xbox live, decided to try and show off and defend his manliness through there becuase Candice was playing. He felt the need to try and call me a fag... for no reason. It's great. Heh, let them make their judgement and call me names. Soon they will drive that spiteful spear into my side, and my wrath will come three fold. Hurt me, make me bleed baby, and soon I'll come around to maim and decieve, since that's what everyone expects me to do.

Call me a whore, and I just might be one. Call me defective and I'll succeed. Call me a loser and be right. Call me good for nothing and see that I'm good for being just that.

I have made mistakes and taken the best for granted. I will walk the path that is given to me, walk with me and be saved. But who want's the type of saving I can give. Rebel from the waist down.

How Can I save you, I can't even save myself.

Rape me, my friend.

Take away the pain. Abuse me and make me numb

I'm going insane. its liek licking too many warts from puss covered anuses.

How do I do it? Maybe I really should do you all a favor. Maybe I failed the first time around. Maybe now's when i become the martyr for my sins, for your sins... Maybe's now when I can't get it right the first time, and have to come back again. Maybe now, I can get it right. But isn't right subjective? I'm sick and weary. Festering in the midst of my own paralysis. Maybe I'm the one that needs a savior?

-=Christ=-

hard-on suicide

2004-04-05T08:37:24Z

The story of life, is that in which you can't expect anything from it, because its going to give to you what you want. A misunderstanding, a grudge worn like the crown of te gods. mida' touch to all the lovely girlies that wish to hug on father. In the end, the outcome will always be positive for someone, and maybe not you at thetime, your time will come around. I have come to a conclusion: people live to be broken down and used, torn apart.

We thrive off the suffering, becuase suffering forces change and change is humanistic behavior. Change me baby. Make me a new man, to any who accept the challenge. I'm tired of being me. Over-analytical, over-emotional whiney little, split-personality mottled, gemini. I have an opinion, but no voice to voice it. I have a decision but no way to make it. Even if I were to take a path, I would get noting from that stepping tstone walkway, instead just be giving the whoel way. Another path I know nothing of but at the same time everything about. And sooner or later I'm done, no matter what I do it'll be wrong.

Here's the catch, please make me your bitch. I'm too torn emmotionally to understand anything. I'm too emmotional to understand anything. Can you help me? Lead the way? Light my path because I'm lost in the dark, looking for a light afar, and I see too many of them and don't know which to take. Walk me to the proper one, someone. I'm willing, and ready. I need it., love it, breathe it.

Give me mouth to mouth while I pull my palms free from these nails. Watch the blood drip in pestilant pools of purity as flesh andtendon are eviscerated from my body by these metallic phallacies. Hang limp and battered by without one physical touch, I'm going to die and be ressurected mentally. I always am. Father loves me. loves as I fall on the gravel from my perch, bloodied and beaten. Drowning in my own pool of sanguine lust, I kiss the sky, to see no more.

Help me.

-=Christ=-

Your Majesty - supposed to be a while back but never got around to posting it

2004-03-29T19:02:44Z

Sit on your throne of lies
Don't step off your cross
you wouldn't wanna break those ties
or burn away what's lost
Sit on your throne of lies
Turn away and don't demise

Watching my life burn away
through the embers of a cigarette
Tar stained dreams give me
Such a pretty smile
All the things we want to go on
love to turn up gone

Sit on your throne of lies
Queen of my heart
You couldn't build that nest of flies
You just love to tear me apart
Sit on your throne of lies
Turn away and don't demise.

Watching my life burn away
through the embers of a cigarette
Tar stained dreams give me
Such a pretty smile
All the things we want to go on
love to turn up gone

Doesn't it burn
Doesn't it burn
when you spit
doesn't it burn
Doesn't it burn
When you hurt

Things have been things. You know that sorta' low of lows. I walked out on Wendy's. I got pissed off at this new manager that is a fuck face. Oh well. But I'll get over it. My general manager wants me to stay, she's giving me a week off to cool down. I don't think I will, if I take an aptitude test I could get a job that pays 15 dollars an hour. That would be kick ass, and its all desk computer based job. I'd love that. I haven't written in this thing in so long, you know? Its weird, I just don't have time for anything or anyone anymore. Between what little social life I have, school, and work I just can't manage many people in. I miss all of you. I miss marcus, jamie, sean, kit, the rest of you. But hey, I'm not working right now so it should be better, should be able to hang out an such. Hopefully I'll be seeing more of you, or at least the ones I can still stand. Well I don't have much more to say, just figured I'd write this song I've been working on and give a small update. That's my life currently. Overboard and self assured. It -really- is fun to lose and pretend to win.

I'm out...
I like it on my cross...

-=Christ=-

Misery loves hate

2004-03-29T19:01:33Z

Whoa, Can it be? Me typing a journal entry? So many things lost so many things found and so many things love to get turned around. Man, this last two days I've been sicker than a dog. I've puked three times, wished I' had puked four, but today I'm feeling rather chipper, feeling better. Not perfect, stomach still arguing with me, but not like yesterday. Lets talk about some friends for the time being. Jamie and I used to be best friends, but due to certain circumstances, really aren't anymore. Now its more or less Kit and I in that reguard, or at least on my part. Candice is suffering form the same thing I have been, and wants to go back, she missess her friends. I understand completely. The hero: Him and I have been on great terms, but we usually are for the most part. We just haven't seen much of each other which is a disapointment. The Fallen Hero: Well all things considered all that seems to be rather up in the air. Lotsa he-said-she-said whenever it comes to him nowadays. Not sure why. I think his intentions are good for the most part. A lot of people are very whispery about kit and I, and really don't need to be, in fact they just need to shut their mouths and get over it. well I'm going to go ahead and crawl back into my bed now, I'm not feel so swell. See you all later

-=Your one and only Anti-Christ=-

yeah

2004-01-16T06:10:04Z

I have a father, I have a mother, I have a brother, a lover, a god hating smother. How many others share what I have? I'm tired and worn out.. Sick of so many things i dare not speak of. Sick of so many people I dare not elude to.

-=Christ=-

serenedementia @ 2004-01-14T12:36:00

2004-01-14T18:36:49Z

New phone number, 599-7863

serenedementia @ 2004-01-12T01:49:00

2004-01-12T07:49:03Z

Ambition is necessary
To find the time to harvest
My body, soul and mind
Ambition is something I don't have
between hazy mid day moon
and the midnight sun
I don't have the time to find
the time to have fun

Another witty poem in which there is no truth but spoken words. Cryptic, but a series of prose that is far too known and far too understood when there is not meant to be an understanding, then the people that we hold or once held, with some sort of pride or ambition, come off iwth no proof of dignity, just sad ignorance. Be the hero, be the fallen hero. So much to be afraid of, but you end up the hero none the less. Right? Heh. People make me sad. In some sort of odd aspect I'd understand what they are trying tod o but for hte most part they are simply wrong and ignorant. You see there is not simple answer to this that has a postive outcome -but that doesn't stop me from wanting to poitn the finger and judge the other, only in this song the temple has already toppled over, but I've tried to make the pieces fit together, and failed, by no action of my own.

It makes me sad when the only people I can turn to are people that don't understand or that are trying to be pulled away from me by the ignorance of others. That's alright though, I still have the true blues from back in the day and the loves that will never fade. In some distinct aspect I hate you all, aside from those few of you that know who you are. That's how it goes, how the boat floats and teh time rocks away in some general aspect, but at least I understand why I'm here to die. You are searching long and hard, and finding nothing but your own sadness and what's worse you don't even see it. I come home and want to write but have no pen. I come home and want to sleep but have no bed. I come home. I come home to my own home that I never left and spill, not spit, it out through words in a some what tangible form.

I leave myself open to bear, door wide open, windows un-curtained for all to see, but very few can see deeper than the first room, into the body of mind and soul but instead see just the body. That's fine. Yeah bring yourself up, make yourself feel good by putting me down. ITs the way it should be, its the way you've become. That's all that you will ever be anymore. Who is you? its me? No maybe not, but how do you know who I'm talking about iwthout names that are called. Don't assume, you'll be wrong. Dont' judge, you'll be dumb, don't think because you can't. Don't speak to me or about me, because your lips spit lies. You know nothing naymore, aside from your own deluded, delusioned thoughts and ideals. Don't do the right thing, its wrong, and most of all, don't be the friend that you're not.

I love when you people look down on me, just because I like to watch you prove your true stupidity. I love when you people think you're better than me, because it makes me feel so damn good about myself. I love when people like you, find some sort of flaw and think you're perfect. You did it too. You just don't see it like that. I think its great for you people that bad mouth behind the backs of others, because you see. You know nothing and only show your lips should be sewn shut. Two faced and too late becuase all you said has been thought before. Most of all those of you that think I try to hard to be someone that I'm not, or base my ideals and ideology off something or someone or think I have no self indulgance of my own thought, you know the least about me, and thus are the lowest form of suffered suicide that exists and it would do us all good for you to go kill yourself. I'd be content.

Take that gun, pull that trigger, slit that wrist bitch. I'll see you there.

Kiss that sking with blood and find some cigarettes to call love.

Hurry. I can't wait

Hurry

While I step off my cross

-=Christ=-

serenedementia @ 2004-01-05T20:13:00

2004-01-06T02:12:59Z

I AM POSTING IN CHRIS' JOURNAL!!!!!!!!!!

hhhhahahahahhaahhahahah!!!!!!!!

HAHA!

Love,
Candice

serenedementia @ 2004-01-05T17:59:00

2004-01-05T23:59:36Z

Sweet sixteen and suffered suicide
Sound gardens of silent surrender
call me down from my cross
I'm no better, far worse
No sweeter, stale hate
Fall faster, cry harder

My name is Christ
I'll be your savior for the day
Don't wait too long
you might give birth
Who's to say you're wrong
Or how much you're worth?

I cry for the saving of the flames
I cry for the day we make our claims
I cry for the severed angel wings

Unspoken Gorgeous syllables

2004-01-04T10:14:34Z

Well I'm sitting here inthe middle of the morning, not long after the new years, a day in which I have to work in like eight hours, or osmething like that. Sean is here, playing a game, candice on the bed. The game's rather creepy, but its fun none the less. Its how things go. Bleed, breathe and take me away from these false truths and the pretense that I have to care for people that I could care less about.

The game is confusing stupid moronic sorta' way. Sometimes I could only wish that life turned out to be like video games, where typing on a typewriter would save your progress and you could start over from there if you don't like the ending of the game. That all the ending romances were the perfect ones and that all the battles were victoriously won so that you turned out to be this growing, changing, perfecting hero in the end that everyone admired. Or maybe, everytime you get stuck on a hard location, you pull up a web browser or buy a book that told you how to make the perfect ending fo veryone, even yourself. But that's not how life works, instead we all fall and fail, have trials and tribulations that we wll never truly conquer, instead fall under to.

I'm going to get a new guitar with my next paycheck, I'm gonna either order it online or go to hermes, since I lost my other guitars and basses in the pawn. It was a worthy sacrafice and with my checks being large like they have been, I'll have enough to get some pretty ones. The one I have my eye out for is an Epiphone Vintage G-400 Red with black pick guard, two tone two volumn and a rhythm treble switch. It comes with a fuzz tone reisuue and a delux gig bag for about four hundred. I wouldn't mind that, but that may take two checks before I can afford that. To all you people I don't talk much too anymore, I"m sorry I haven't been online, I just don't much have the time very often.

Some other guitars I'm looking at are the B.C Richter's beast and vampire, some of which are sold fairly cheaply at Hermes Music.This one company that I"m looking at guitars from are selling right handed Jag Stangs for like five hundred. Gorgeous guitars that I want more than anything. I dun much like the telecaster or stratocaster shaped guitars, too bland, and unapealing.The jet black Epiphone SG-Special is pretty too, and cheap. Two hundred. Some other pretty guitars are the Washburn Omen Six, about three hundred, and the B.C. Rich Warlocks between 150 - 250. I think one of the prettiest guitars is the Ibanez GAX70. In pewter or black, and the GSA60 in a gunmetal blue. Yeah. That's enough about guitars.

Work is overwhelming. I get 40+ hours every week, not that I"m complaining, the pay is good, and the checks make me happy, but its a lot of time to be dedicating to it, when I have to get ready to get back in college and everything, being I missed this semester because of the canadian, not a big deal, gave me some time to have a break and decide what I'm going to do, what schools I'm going for and more time to prepare for gay ass standardized tests for the pretty universities since they look better on paper than anthing else.

I've been working on this for about half an hour at the same time entertianing sean and candice. Its four am now. I go into work at five and close. I also get next week's schedule.

Now picture this. You're in a desolate hallway, in a city that is abandoned and the only sign of life that you've found are acid spitting zombies. You've been exploring a series of apartment complexes for over and hour going from room to room, finding corpses and odd zombie things. Creatures boiling and driupping in blood. The wall paper peeling from every wall, wood decaying, most of the doors you encounter are borded up and the windows, that aren't broken out, are as well. The smell is musty and you're trying to find your way out. You're senses listening to the desolate silence and you constantly try new doors your coming across. You walk forth, trying another door that turns out to be locked and as you turn away, the door shakes three times.

When that happened in the game we all had a shit.... and sean just killed someone we had to protect.

I'm done for now. I'm getting tired, and I"m bored iwth this screen. Droning away with my fingers at keys as clicks are the thoughts and words that spill out over textual pixels that mean absolutely nothing to nayone but me... Sad isn't it?

-=Christ=-

I don't understand

2003-12-29T05:48:41Z

I try so hard but I can never seem to make anyone happy. I try to talk to my mom and I'm criticizing, I offer candice a place to stay but I know she's not happy. So far so long away from the past is what she is and I know she hates it. My life is starting to take motion, minus the school shit which can't be for a little bit. A car within the next month probably, along with liscence and shit. Candice will be getting a kitten soon. I don't know what to do about much of anything anymore It is how things are.

Well I don't have much muse right now. I'm drained, struggling and bleeding to know I live. That's about all

Love you baby.

Fuck me

2003-12-23T04:01:21Z

Doom and gloom is like the sun
rise and fall every day
inconspicuous as twilight
in the teenagers ways
Until that clock strikes midnight

Then we get to have fun

Sweet and sincere things fed to me
heart beats with each scream
Unsuspicious as daylight
The hatred is what gleams
When that moon is out of sight

Then we get to have fun

Smoke away, sleep in day
Sweet sweet sensations
such as such
All I am is all I know
I just don't want to let go

With my head in the sky
I can smile so proud
With my head in the sky
I really know I hate myself and want to die

Technophonic Discourse

2003-12-19T21:34:33Z

Love the way you read, the way you read why I speak just to bleed with me. Love teh way you faulter, to fall here. Unnecessary dislikes and disabled qualms of insatiable distaste. No much more than just to let you sing to let you breathe, and when you hear the truth you spit it into lies. Spun and created, falsified and misleading. Love the way you're holy. I want to be holy like you are. C'mon, improv your song and I'll sing along, and hope we get it right.

I dun have reasons, for my dislikes, but I have meaning to all my fights. I'll bleed just to show -you- that I'm alive, because I know i"m dying, so what's there to prove? Twenty dollar bills are god send on thisexistence and wouldnt' you like your face on that peice of righteous paper? I know I would, armed to the teeth with eagle's claws and devil's arrows. Soon the battle will wage. But not a battle of anyone but me. I'll fight my own fight and I"ll kill myself in the end, so I'll come out the victor on the other hand. What's the light to see, walk into the sun, and you'll hold hands with angels, but only if you follow the right path otherwise you're failing miserably.

I love the way you taste when I get to cut you with my tongue. But then again who wouldn't, with all the things we've done wrong.

Bitter blood and bad tasting sweat
Its like fucking your grandmother
without the sweet victory

-=Christ=-

About a boy

2003-12-17T08:40:58Z

I'm an eighteen year old, confused, selfless, self-righteous, retrospective, mundane excuse for a human. I'm sad and self-loathing in a content un-angsty way. I let people live to acheive above me. I like people thinking they are better than me. In most cases I do things so people look down on me. The lower the better, then you don't have to make anyone happy but yourself. I constantly seem stuck between a series of unrighteous, painful decisions that can never be made properly. Someone's always hurting from them. I'm always hurting from them. The people I like, walk over me, the people I hate, loath me. The people I don't care about, strive to bother me. Sad when my enemies treat me better than my friends. Not all are like that though. I hate myself and want to die, and every night I polish my gun and shoot myself in the head just like a famous rockstar. Bullets of responcibility and colours. Bullets of blood and pink.

I shouldnt' be alive really. People would be snug in families, content wiht life, and not have certain little blue attributes to make things harder. Or should I say Bleu? I don't hate that colour, I've grown to love it, but in a seren way in which I know I should. Responcibility comes with tat colour and it is a responcibility I will carry to my full capacity on my shoulders, for the weight of the world could not bring atlas, or I, to his knees. It may bring me to my death. No it won't. I will. I'll carry myself on swift wings.

Powdered epiphany is the way it seems. Maybe tat's the right path to choose? Or lets follow the silver lined road of razorblades and gas gernades. Scarlet tears agianst the eyes of parted flesh. I've lost much of my sarcastic, spit-riddled, wit, but becuase I don't see the point of wasting my intelligence on people anymore. I'm pickeled and dying.

Pale and plastored.

I love music. It burns, and it hurts and it bleeds when I listen.

-=Christ=-

Some song lyrics fo mine.

2003-12-16T16:50:16Z

My Flight

I'd be like superman
and go to the speed of light
just to see you cry

Hey

Id sit around
in a dark room just to be
without that silent tune

That Way

I'll wallow in my own shit
to give you that life
that you need for your tomb

Hey

My heart would bleed
just for the injustice
that comes around, ask why

That way

Hey
That's the way
We do it
That's the way
you blew it
Hey
That's how its
the way
That's who is
the way
Hey
That's the way
We do it
That's the way
you blew it
Hey
That's how its
the way
That's who is
the way
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Destination

Everything I do
Always comes out perfect
though I do nothing right
Everything I do
Always holds meaning
but has no fight

I don't hav eot see
to feel what I'm doing
I don't have to be
to see how i'm flying
I don't have to read
To know my math

Either way I go
Is always the wrong path
no matter how correct my steps
Either way I go
Is always unworthy
When I stumble in my own wrath

I dont' have to see
To feel what I'm doing
I don't have to be
to seee how I'm flying
I don't have to read
To know my math

Oh I can see
Why it justifies for me
That I hear and breathe
Oh I can see
Why I'm blind but only
on my own time

I don't have to see
to feel what i'm doing
I don't have to be
to see how I'm flying
I don't have to read
to Know my math
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

True Happiness

All is well when love is blind
But not the love of yours and mine
Then we see the world through special colors
purples and greens and violets that make me shudder
All is lost when the heart is gone
Except when your not alone
Like admist the technicolors of us
in which green bleeds to red and fades to black just because

I will cry for each heart I've seen
I will kiss the sky for each thought I've had
I will Swallow my lungs for a taste of carosine
I will Swim through tides of pink just to be sad

We can see when we are blind
Just because we are together all the time
but it makes me sad to think about
Just why you want to scream and shout
Love is worn on the sleeve
But only because I don't have a need
shirts these days are so hard to find
Love is great when you lose your mind

I will cry for each heart I've seen
I will kiss the sky for each though I've had
I will swallow my lungs for a taste of carosine
I will swim through the tides of pink just to be sad

My thoughts are recordable to the mind
In those colors that make us blind
My Heart is deserverable to those of my kind
only when she wants me to sigh

All is well when love is blind
Cause then I can see yours and mine
All is well when love is blind
Cause then it doesn't hurt when you're fine
All is well when love is blind
Then you can't be sad while you're dying.

All is well when love is blind
But not the love of yours and mine
Then we see the world through special colors
purples and greens and violets that make me shudder
All is lost when the heart is gone
Except when your not alone
Like admist the technicolors of us
in which green bleeds to red and fades to black just because
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If oyu ask me, in my opinion, the last one is the only one worth any sort of recognition.

Lyrics from someone else

2003-12-16T09:41:31Z

Nothing betterWill someone please call a surgeon who can crack my ribs
and repair this broken heart that you're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over: I will block the door
like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter
of a tied-game of rivalry

So just say how to make it right
and I swear I'll do my best to comply

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
then making you my bride and slowly growing old together

I feel I must interject here, you're getting carried away,
feeling sorry for youself with these revisions and gaps in history.
So let me help you remember. I've made charts
and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave

So please back away and let me go
I can't my darling I love you so...

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

I admit that I have made mistakes
and I swear I'll never wrong you again
you've got a lure I can't deny,
but you've had your chance so say goodbye

Mindless Droning

2003-12-15T07:38:45Z

A strumming
Electric rhythim of the hearts intent
Plastic to steel to electric sound
that represents every emotion in my body
The pain and anguish one causes
and the love and care through the droning pauses

Can you hear This is how I feel through the sound
Can you see this is real, till we hit the ground
Can you hear the screams through bends
Can you see the emotion in the air
Everytime you hurt me, this sound is what is there

A pulling
Against wood and metallic knobs
Pulsing sounds and heart beats
in hand motions of repeatative creativity
The hurt and and licks from ones tongue
against the open wounds through speakers so fun

Can you hear this is how I feel through the sound
Can you see this is real, till we hit the ground
Can you hear the screams through bends
Can you see the emotion in the air
Evertyime you hurt me, this is is what we hear

Mindless, Self indulging
Overdriven, Sound imploding
Heart ridden, Soul engulfing
Worthless, and still showing

Hear me scream, hear me bleed
through the sounds from which I feed
see what you do to me
with ears so open
but be blind to what I say
because when I'm direct, I lie

A strumming
Electric rhythim of the hearts intent
Plastic to steel to electric sound
that represents every emotion in my body
The pain and anguish one causes
and the love and care through the droning paus

Not an email but love none the less

2003-12-11T10:24:23Z

Hey baby, I decided to write you on here instead of an email, mainly cause it was easier to open ad I"m lazy. My day was sad, except for the great moments when I got to talk to you. Soon we'll be together forever and starting our lives together baby. Its so much so fast, so perfect. You mean everything to me, you are my joy, my epiphany of life. You make everything viberant and worth it, even when we're fighintg, or upset at one anothe, which is the hardes thting to deal with ever. I hate being in a fight wiht you cause it hurts so bad, for so many reasons on so many levels.

I will eat your cancer wheny you turn black baby. You are eveyrthing and I"d murder to keep you happy, The world is yours and I'll hold it on my shoulders for you. I lvoe you more than anything, You're gorgeous, and perfect, nothing and nobody will ever come between us baby. Soon, so so sooon. I love you

-=Chris=-

Love you

2003-12-09T22:39:00Z

I just wanted you to know, before you left and what not, that you're always on my mind, in my heart and on my soul. You'll never be anything less than perfect to me baby

I love you.

Back to serene interpretation

2003-12-09T08:56:48Z

In the depth of my hollowed ground I see no god and speak no tongue but I live in an existence all my own. Harmonic endings brewed through the depth of the looking glass in drinks that I don't allow to control. Angst and transgression through the depths of time I can not reach, but sadly there ins't complete satisfaction, even with the lacking depths of such teenage anicdotes. Impressive and decisive, creative and courteous. I feed off money I don't have cause When i breathe I see green. Got so low and I know, you love the idea of eing able to step on me. walk my path and see my understanding.

Hear me, know me, but don't listen. See me, be me but be blind to judge. Judge me with your thoughts, but don't think. Angry and satisfied, sad and cotnent. Happy and mislead. Bigotry in the south is like honey and... Shit? Not much anymore. Noting is as the old diaramas show. You can never take away what you did back then, when you were older and sad. Spit it in my face and lick it up, I might jsut be nice enough to comply after that. Walk on water, be my savior, give me miracles to look foreward to.

You there like a distant ange, watchign my mind but not touchign my soul. I hurt whenever you're not near, but soon, you'll be born unto me on the day of christ. You'll be born on the twnety fifth. Bourne. Should have been enought o know, that I wouldn't be able to let go, but things don't work liek that. We have to be forced into certain situations in which we will cry.

My dear breath into me

God speak to me

Lucifer dance with me

Fallen Angel Kiss me

-=Christ=-

Tired of people.

2003-12-07T09:05:18Z

You know what. i'm sick of people again, I'm sick of what they stand for, I'm sick of someone knowing me for a week and thinking they know every detail of my existance. I'm sick of the people who say I'm trying to be just like Kurt, or sick of the people who say I'm fake. I'm sick of the people who act like they know everythign about me when they know absolutely nothing. I'm tired of you whiney dramatics that think because I have an idol that' I'm trying to be like that person. I'm tired of you people who act like a friend to my face, but when I'm not there, or depending on who you're talking to, you're nothing more than what you call me.

For starters, I'm about to get into names. I don't usually do that, but I'm sick of you fuckheads.

Jenn: Lmao, I'm fake, right? Pretend to be something I'm not. Wtfe, like you ever knew anything about me. You didn't, you're just a whiney self-righteous little drama-queen. My songs being a rip off of Kurts? If you ook at my songs, they have almsot no lyrical style resembing his. But you're too dense to understand that. My ideals and opinions, based off kurts? Asif you even knew what kurts were? You're just pathetic. You know.. If it weren't for you always trying so hard to be a part of my life, then you wouldn't exist in my eyes. You're constant struggle to affect me has failed, you simply became one of the aggitants once again.

You're the only one I'm blatently mentioning, becuase I think you're the only one ignorant enough to not understand unless I throw it in your face. You're ignorant, and shallow. You try so hard to be different, but in the long run you're just liek the rest. You asked not to be judged, but you scream jdugement. Go away, Be yourself, by yourself, stay away from me. Leave me out of your life. Leave the idea of me alone, don't think of me, dont' talk of me. Don't think your qitty, beause you're not. The comments you spew about fixations and sunday's, isn't anything that difficult to think of.

I'm tired of you eople who act like you care, but don't. I hate the idea that there are people that I try to value in my life that I have to hide things from, otherwise you would look down on me. And there are some very important vital things that I hae to hide from the majority of you, save candice, marcus, and jamie. The rest of you exist in your own serene dementia in which you beleive that you're such great people, and really you're not. in one way or anoter, you're lacking.

Don't get me wrong, not everyone I know is like this, just cause I didn't mention you as someone I don't have to hide thigns from, doesnt' mean you also classify as the fuckheads like jenn. Kit for example, I have nothing agianst you at all. You know how it goes. but I'm just tired of all these people that exist in their own divine pretense one what life should be. Lately I"ve had to grow up a helluva lot faster than i'd ever want to. And in the process... it made me once agian realize how much I loath some of you people.

Most of all, grow up. Everyone... even friends... think your bullshit is annoying, childish and retarded.

Quiz

2003-12-06T21:31:16Z

First Name?:	Christopher
Middle Name?:	Scott
do you like either of those names? (wich one):	No
did you have a happy childhood?:	I suppose
did you live with both parents or just one ... or other?:	Grandparents
did your parents/grandparents die while you were still young?:	No
do people just stair at you when you walk passed?:	Sometimes
Do you go to a councler regularly?:	Not any more
have you been diagnosed with or believe yourself to have paranoia?:	Nope
what about clinical depression?:	Who knows
have you ever thought of comitting suicide?:	Sure
have you ever attempted suicide?:	Yeah
Do you listen to Korn or Slip Knot?:	No
how does that kind of music make you feel?:	In touch
do you wear dark eyeliner ... ever?:	Yeah
have you ever purosly slit your wrist?:	yup
how bout watched a person comitt suicide?:	Nope
ok, has anyone you know ever tryed to comitt suicide or has succeeded in it:	Yeah
how many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?:	a couple
are you hetrosexual or bi?:	Heterosexual
do you enjoy pointy objects?:	Yes
do people think you are crazy?:	I dunno, i'm not people
last question, if you were on a shooting spree who would you kill first?:	Myself

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